I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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