but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Randomize
