yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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