Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
