I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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