the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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