im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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