Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
