the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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