What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
