new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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