why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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