dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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