I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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