Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I forget how to act sober
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
