i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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