I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
