god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
