I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
