this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
