i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
