I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
