I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
