I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
