Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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