Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
