THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
