I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
