i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
