Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
