so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
