Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
