I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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