he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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