bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
