i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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