I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
