He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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