Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
