the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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