My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
