the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
