Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
