All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
