Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
