apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
