I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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