turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
