I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
