I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
