My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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