Pants 0. Shit 1.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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